What is Real? A Very Short Attempt at a Thought Provoking Story (Second edit)
68What is real?
So thinks the boy; hunched up and cold. He is naked, frail, thin and dirty; with dark hollow eyes through which one could almost see his soul, but no-one is near. He knows not where he is going. He knows not where he has been. He knows only the thousand leering faces that greet him every night. In his confines there is no light, there is no hope. The boy crawls around this dead space, his hands eager to feel, his eyes eager to see, his ears eager to hear something other than his own pathetic cries.
Not so far away another boy is playing. He is clothed with a red baggy t-shirt, denim shorts and trainers, all of which are so clean that they appear to repel all kinds of dirt, and indeed all around him is spotless and perfect. His skin is a perfect white, his eyes a bright shimmering blue, so blue it seems the sky is nought but a reflection of them. He is out in the sunlight, in the wide open space. People are gathered around, and they are happy for him. This boy feels elated, he feels as if all the world is his, he knows no sadness and no pain, there is no night in his world, but endless sunlight and happiness. He too cries out, but with a sound of pure elation.
A third boy walks by, his hands in his pockets. He dwells between those light and dark places, neither here nor there. He hurries along, not heeding the greetings of the happy people, oblivious to the cries of the lonely child. He is trudging into nowhere, but he seems eager to arrive, as if it were possible to reach his infinite destination.
A man stands on the Cliffside. He has been here many times before. Every year of his life he has come to this same spot. The wind whips his hair back behind his head. His is a face worn by many battles, many struggles. And on it is a look of contemplation. He stands at the eternal crossroads, and something makes him laugh; he seems for a second to grow younger, his wrinkles drop away like old discarded rags, his hair becomes dark, and he faces the sea a handsome man, full of life, vigour, hopes and dreams. And then the clouds close in around him, and the shell he cast off covers him once more. He looks to the sky.
Does he turn with the traffic or against it?
He leans forward.
The boy in the dark looks up. There is a new light in his eyes, and suddenly he can see the world and it's beauty, he gazes with wonderment at everything he had not known, but had somehow sought.
The boy in daylight turns; suddenly he can see the darkness and coldness of peoples hearts, and he cowers away from those who surrounded him. Their smiling faces are twisted and distorted, their laughter becoming a horrifying sound that jars the ears and permeates into the mind. The boy begins to cry, he drags himself along, into the darkness ahead.
The third boy continues to walk, oblivious to these two revelations that occur. He marches on, into nothingness.
And then they are no more.
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I don't feel qualified to really "critique" your story, but as a reader I was intrigued by it and left wanting to read more. To me, it feels like the start of a great short story.
DogSiDaed... Take this further; create your own cliches (if you must indeed use any) and wrap it up with more closure and you have an excellent script. Check out a hub by Paraglider called; Random Acts of Sanity, and you will see where you can take this and similar writing styles. Nice writing mate; explore the flow and carry a message with each character. Well done. Take Care.
sorry Im late, jsus saw your thread, I was busy with your poem...
Like love and hate, I also dont fan people I dont enjoy reading. This is very very good, a teeny portion reminded me of Stephen King's The dark Tower.
I would definately read more if written, but if you want to write you should do it, regardless of what other people think. :)
The possible three meanings in the story is rather a fresh idea. But in order for that to really have full effect, you need to develop the story so it's clearly a three-fold view.
To do that, how about developing each character? What in their lives led them to experience what they are now? What are their thoughts that brought them to this place? What are their personality types? Did they come from poverty, middle class, money? Were they rejected in school, home, etc.?
So many questions! Inquiring minds want to know!
Very strong start. Liked it mucho. Hope you'll develop it more.












frogdropping 2 years ago
Short and sweet. Though not for the subjects of your tale. Not sure if I find despair or hope in this - is that the point? Almost like the Little Match Girl, seeing hope in the flames.
You certainly have a talent for the kind of narrative required to tell a tale, to engage and interest your reader. I'd develop this skill, were I you.
Something I don't have, but had I - I'd stretch myself and my gift.
Go with what you have DogSiDaed. You've got 'something' :)